Dear Advertising Company,

I'm applying to your firm because I want to drink good liquor and lie for a living. The career manuals which constitute my only contact with the outside world have led me to believe that advertising is the place for me.

Why do I think I'm qualified to work for you? Quite honestly, I'm not. My expensive liberal arts education has left me with no marketable skills beyond the ability to write a semi-coherent sentence. I am probably underqualified to be the night manager of a Burger King. I have an eye for beauty and impeccable taste in music, but I have taken no business, marketing, or economics courses. This is understandable as my school, in an effort to stoke the academic economy by keeping me in grad school until long after my ovaries wither, does not offer them. This is probably for the best, as I myself can barely add.

Don't let this dissuade you! I have many other qualities to recommend me. My flexible moral standards spring immediately to mind. I have a taste for the absurd and an awesome capacity for cognitive dissonance. I don't mind working for the evil empire - in fact, my distaste for the pot-smoking, poncho-wearing, seven-year-plan hippies who populate my school has resulted in a personal philosophy of "fuck the whales." I do not have an ironic appreciation of rap music; I love it because I, too, want to roll around in big piles of dirty money. "Every day I'm hustlin'," indeed.

Please let me know if you need my college transcript or any letters of personal recommendation.

Liz

now that I've gotten that out of my system, it's time to write cover letters. the SLAC deadline for the Chicago job fair is in seven hours and I have done jack. The idea of not getting a job is terrifying, and I'm realizing that I have no marketable skills whatsoever beyond having really big hair. God save the liberal arts students.

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